Suppose you have a child. A child which is going through that awkward phase known as “potty training”. Now suppose that this child is having a bit of trouble with potty training, especially the poop-on-the-potty part of the whole process.
She will pee on the potty like the best of them, but poop… Poop is something special, something so rare and precious it is best kept close at hand. Preferably in the sleepdiaper, early in the morning, keeping the nighttime pee company.
But now suppose that by some wicked planetarial mumbo-jumbo voodoo magic the child shifts it’s poop-time from morning to midday. When it is not wearing a diaper, but Hello Kitty underpants. And she, having perfected the poop-where-you-are technique, soils her pretty, pink polka-dotted underpants. And herself.
Now what do you do? Beside mumble the Lord’s Prayer for Strength, Patience and a Stiff Shot of Vodka under your breath.
Here is a little technique I have perfected over these many, many potty training weeks :
– Take her Poopiness to the bathroom and put next to the bath.
– Take a clean plastic bag and fold it so that it will stay open without assistance, for you will be alone when you have to do this. Never mind that your mate was around when the pooping happened, he is gone now. Vanished. Sucked into a wormhole. Hiding in the closet, visiting Narnia.
– Put the pooped-one into the bag. Yes, put the child into the bag. Yes, you read that right But of course leave the bag open!
– Gently remove the poop-soiled clothes, whatever is not to poopy you may toss in a pile and deal with later. Now focus on the kid.
– When you hit the final layer a.k.a the poop-holding Hello Kitty pants remove them gently, wipe some of the poop with them as you move along. Slide gently down the legs, try not to leave a poop mark. Let the pants drop on the feet.
– Lift la pooparina out of the bag and into the bath. Take the plastic bag containing the offending poop and the item-formerly-known-as-underpants, seal it by tying with a sailors knot.
– Clean up your child, hand her a fresh pair of Hello Kitty pants and let her free to run into the sunset or into the next room to relate her misfortune in great detail to her father.
– Take the bag with evidence and throw into the trash. Scrub your hands with bleach.